S**t my kid does

Here, I’m not going to be that mum who proudly announces how amazing her kid is for being able to eat with a silver knife and fork at 3 months, or can recite the alphabet backwards at 6 months. It’s here that I’m going to lay out the red carpet for a few of the things that have become ‘normalised’ as part of mumlife with a toddler. 

I mentally wrote this when leaving the house with three Peppa Pigs and a doorstop, wondering how this has now become ‘normal’. 

It’s not like we don’t have enough to carry with a wrigly toddler, nappies, snacks, wipes, and everything else that goes with her, but when you want to get out that front door, sometimes the boundaries of normality are slightly blurred. So here goes some of our other day to day ‘normalities’ with a toddler.

1. She brushes the teeth of a plastic octopus (does an Octopus even have teeth?)

2.She gets frustrated the pictures on the front of her books aren’t stickers so they won’t peel off.

3. That time she chilled in the dog basket for a very important phonecall…

4. In fact the dog basket is a great place to just chill out. 

5. She got pretty upset that she couldn’t fit herself into a 500ml plastic measuring jug.

6. She insists on taking all 3 Peppa Pigs EVERYWHERE we go. It’s not like I have enough to keep track of when we’re out, as all three, and Lily, need to make it home again!

7. She puts nappies on all her toys, including Peppa Pig. They all need their bottom wiped with wetwipes first.

8. She enthusiastically and happily shouts BUBUYEEE at the top of her voice to a shocked GP, about 5 seconds after spending an entire doctor’s appointment in an absolute meltdown.

9. Thankfully we haven’t attempted potty training yet, otherwise Peppa would be in s**t.

10. She has very long rambling phonecalls lasting around 10 minutes to absolutely nobody, sometimes with the odd giggle as if she’s laughing at a private joke.

11. She stashes things for later, particularly money (or snacks). Coins (real and fake) are usually stored in the oven glove (alongside a miniature board book, a dinosaur and a fridge magnet) or underneath the rug. I don’t yet know where she hides the snacks, but she can often be found crunching on a carrot puff or biscuit that I never remember giving her.

12.She has become scarily attached to the ridiculously heavy cat shaped doorstop, including pushing it around in the dolls pram and having long conversations with it in the doorway.

13. She tries to start up her elephant with the car keys.

14. Stickers generally get stuck everywhere … walls, windows, shoes, my boobs…

15. My bra is totally meant as a hat.

15. Co-sleeping is literally impossible unless I want to head to work looking like I’ve been in a punchup. She sleep-climbs, sleep-kicks, sleep-crawls, uses me as a punchbag… 

15. And finally, that time she spied on sleeping men on the train through binoculars…

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